a little uncertainty

Well, Shane and I have been dating for over a year now.  We spend almost every hour outside of work and sleep together.

The schedule has consisted of me getting off work at 5.  We inevitably go house searching, stay at his place and watch tv/movies, or take in a drive.  I leave his place about 10pm each night.  Thursdays are a special treat as it is Shane’s friday and he usually comes to my place for the night.  (I live about an hour away from his place).

Circumstances of his divorce have left him squatting at his moms place until we can bounce back from the debt of divorce.  This is the reason for the long distance deal.

Anyway,  a few months ago, he announced on a Thursday that he wanted to go hang out with his brother.  I was a bit hurt that he didn’t take the special night into account, and he went out with his brother.  Afterwards he voiced his concern about me not giving him time to himself, but we moved on..

Last week he announced again that he wanted to do a night out with his brothers.  I was okay with it this time, remembering how things went downhill the last instance.  We spent a couple hours together; he went out, and I went home.  He promised to call, and didn’t call.  So I over reacted and got on his case for being a jerk.  yadda yadda…. another “conversation” occured.

His concern is that I don’t trust him.  He has voiced his love and adoration.  We are planning on buying a house together.  He’s telling me that most of the time he wants to be with me, but occasionally needs “guy time”.  Not so much a problem, except….

I don’t understand why he feels this need suddenly.  He and his brothers (both reputed partiers) go to a bar…play pool(Shane doesn’t particularly like the sport) and stay out late.  (i.e. the first time included his brothers g-friend showing him her tits, this last week it involved calling in sick the next morning)

So, anyway, today he voices, again, that he is “thinking” about going out with the brothers again.  He’s not sure but will let me know later what he decides.

Not only did he do the whole bar scene last week, now he wants to do it again?!  Should I be concerned that he wants to be apart of that environment?  Is he just testing me to find out if I have learned to trust him in this past week?  Why do I feel so uncertain about everything now?

In his defense, it is only 3 times in a year, but this last 2 times are awfully close together….

I admit, I am not experienced in this whole relationship world, and I don’t want to be the clingy girlfriend who doesnt let her man breathe without her.  But I can’t help but feel, a) being divorced, he’s not ready for commitment, b) he’s testing my reactions because he will walk away if I don’t pass the test, c) hurt that he doesnt seem to care that this whole situation makes me feel like we are back at date #1 and I can’t assume anything about who we are or what we are doing each day together.

I love the man more than breathing.  If this goes south, I won’t want to breathe for a very very long time.  He is normally very affectionate and loving, and I know my insecurities are a concern to him.  But sometimes, when I feel this desperate, standing on the edge of a cliff, feeling I wonder why people risk their hearts and lives on something they cannot control.  People love and lose all of the time.  What makes my story special?

Sorry to be a downer…  I cant get the clock to run any faster.

Just in the nick of time!

I was offered a promotion this last friday. I was only slightly aware that there was a position open, but knew that it was paying less than I was making. My wonderful boss, who just retired, pushed them to offer it to me, and that I would only accept it if they offered me a substantial raise. YEAH Robin! So, now, I make a nice salary, plus bonus potential each month.

All I had to do was be me! No interviews! (I suck at them)

Whoo hoo! The funny thing about this promotion, is I will be doing the same stuff I have been doing for the last year and a half, but now it will be dedicated only to the major and national accounts.

Shane and I were beginning to lose hope that we would be able to afford buying a house in this Salt Lake market.. (try$180,000 for a split level built in 1978!) It still wont be the Taj Mahal that we will be able to afford, but it will be better than what we were looking at….

Its a beautiful day!

Somewhere in Middle America

no time like the now time…

I was going to wait and post when I could upload some pictures of our trip to Nebraska…but, that probably wont happen for awhile. I am never home and Shane doesn’t have the internet right now.

The trip that was 95% on…happened.

“Fer duh,” as Shane would say, “Lets state the obvious…”

It was a harried start as my alarm clock malfunctioned and didn’t wake me up on time. We ended up leaving 1.5 hours later than I had wanted to. But when we finally made it to Omaha, NE at 11pm CST, I was happy to be at my 2nd home.

We had a lot of fun! You know how they say that you can never go back? Well, they were wrong! I was sure that everything would be a sad shadow of what it once had been; that I had overblown the greatness of my old home in the last couple of years, but, it really was great.

We spent a lot of time eating. Visiting with friends and eating. Old Chicago and La Mesa…my two favorite establishments ended up being Shanes as well. (yippee!)

Anyway, we had fun….and I am more convinced that Shane is my perfect match. I will write more of the fun when I can illustrate it in color…

Crossing the fingers!

Shane and I are about 95% sure we will take a road trip to Omaha, Nebraska. Its been almost 3 years since I moved away and am so excited words can’t express. It would be great to visit with all my old friends again.

Another day

Things are looking up. I know I keep saying that. As if, things have looked pretty bad lately. I hate waiting for the other shoe to drop though, so I continue to watch the sky.

Shanes divorce almost final. It has been a long drawn out year and a half of hell. I honestly never believe that the common person that you run into at the grocery store could be capable of pure evil. Now I know better.

So, our lives can go forth with joy and good karma.

Remember Me

A breakthrough!

I’ve had a couple of really great days. Shane and I have had some good talks about the future, and I am feeling very secure in looking at something we can share. And then last night, when the kids came over, I could hardly contain my pleasure when they seemed excited to see me.

His kids have been the toughest sell. I understand why, of course. They aren’t used to mom and dad not being together. This whole “dad having a girlfriend” situation is very alien to them and their upbringing. So, when I walked in the door and overheard one of the boys saying “Is Becky downstairs?! Is she here?” I was doing jumping jacks in my head.

I’ve fallen in love many times… always with you.

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, “Outside the Dog Museum”

*oh, he laughs, but I will admit, I am laughing too